Why some parents fight each other to have more control over the life of their children

Have you ever heard stories of parents fighting each other to the point where they pull their children in their own little war zone? I guess so. But why would they pull in the children, isn’t that a bad thing to do?

Most of the time, you find a well-meaning parent pulling a child to their side because they want them to open their eyes wide before making a decision that may turn the rest of their lives into one big mess.

It is one way some parents use to ensure that their children won’t sustain many injuries however long they (mom and dad) fight each other. It is a hit or miss… And for that reason, one must be really careful and know what they are getting their children and spouse into.

 Note that Niabusiness has linked to some of the resources on this page (some listed below) using affiliate links. When you click on something and purchase it, Niabusiness will receive a commission from every successful sale / referral, at no extra cost to you. 

Why?

Because a lot of emotion is involved in most of these struggles. There is always a big list that is filled with words like liar, selfish, irresponsible, disappointment and bitterness – Words that can turn any struggle into a really painful ordeal; Words that can have a profound effect on the lives of the children for a very long time.

During struggles like these, it doesn’t hurt to take one step back and look at things from the point of view of your children too. More often, a parent may be keen to tell them why their daddy or mommy is bad or why dad and mom are fighting but not really keen on hearing what they think about the whole thing.

I am not saying that kids should have a really big say on how you and your spouse should relate to each other. After all they belong to the family, but you belong to the family and the union that binds you to your spouse.

And for whatever it is that leads you into any kind of fight that threatens the stability of your family and the relationship with your spouse, the kids can surely help – they may act like young advisers who can share new ideas with you to help you, even as you are busy fighting, to keep one eye cast in the far future and one eye cast in the present times – sniffing for things to help you make the next day and the day after it better.

Why fight for more control?

I have already touched a little bit on some legitimate reasons for doing this. But it should be realized that these aren’t the only reasons why some parents fight for control over their children’s lives.

There are some reasons that can make you cringe and wonder why in the world would someone do something like that. That is because these things may seem harmless in the present but may be the same things that play a huge role in destabilizing a family (further) and filling even more of its members with feelings of betrayal and hopelessness.

Examples of how parents do this to each other – fighting each other over their children

1. To show your spouse that you are a better parent compared to them – and that it will take more time for them to reach your level

Is it worth it, always reminding your spouse that you are better than them? Scratch them with the, ‘I am better than you.’ line or attitude and they’ll start treating you differently, often in ways that you won’t approve of.

Help them become better at parenting instead of always reminding them of their poor grades. And one more thing, what happens when you get all the control you want and realize later on that you are not good as you once thought, or that your kid wants the other person, you thought was less capable?

2. Because you are the head of your house and things must be done your way

Is being the head of the family an excuse for making things hard for everybody else?

Is it an excuse for running other people’s lives instead of showing them how to do it on their own?

Just because you are the head doesn’t mean that you should stop other people from experiencing all the good things life has to offer.

If you are sure your spouse can offer your children more (of the good things) than you can, give them the opportunity to do so. And you can do it together.

Say sorry if you wronged them (never let pride perch on your shoulders for too long) and move to the next level – that of being a couple that doesn’t worry about who has more control over each child but works like a team to make their family stronger every single day.

3. The in your face, I win this time pal type

Is it all about winning and loosing? Does your win come with a big label screaming: You’ve lost big, only you can’t realize it now? Win or loose, something must be wrong somewhere. Find it and work together to fix it (seek help, pray). It is better than winning alone.

Find a way to work together, and at the end of the day you’ll get: two trophies instead of one, someone to hug, kiss, hold hands with and you don’t end up wishing for things when it is time to smile and thank God.

4. Because the children are young and don’t know much

Children certainly know a lot. You never let someone you love set their feet on hot coals because you think they don’t appreciate the fact that hot coals burns – and that causes pain.

5. Because you think your spouse won’t give your children a proper direction

If you are really certain about this, tread carefully to your final decision. Weigh all the options, and for the few good ones left for the final selection, pray that you pick the right one.

6. To keep your image clean in the eyes of your friends, neighbours & relatives

Forget about your friends, neighbours and relatives when it comes to raising your children. If you are doing something right and they aren’t happy with it, or for some reason want to impose their will on you, tell them no. Give them wings if they don’t have any and tell them to fly home.

Just remember to keep your ears open for good advice and in your fight to have more control over your children, to come back to the drawing board and take notice of what really matters.

What can be done then?

I’d like to say that you can still work out something and keep the train on its tracks. Each family is different, as is each struggle. Therefore, stick to what makes today, tomorrow and the day after it better. Stick to what will make you and your family happy now and even happier in the future.

You know these things. You can feel them in your heart. But sometimes there are feelings that just try to cast a shadow over them. Weed them out.

Have a lot of discussions during the times when your family is in its little war zone because this isn’t the time to brood and hope the other party will immediately read your mind and take notice of all the good intentions you have for them and the family just by casting a glance their way.

You don’t want casualties under your roof. You don’t want to blame someone later on for the direction your life took. You don’t want to be blamed either, and you most certainly don’t want a repeat of something bad that happened to you as a result of your parents own fights to have more control over you.

Don’t fight for more control. Be the fighter who gets out there to make things better and worries less about control. I know this isn’t the easiest of options but is there something better?

PS: Read more parenting posts on Niabusiness.com blog.

Niabusiness Recommendations – Tools, Resources

Book Recommendations – Buy & start reading these ebooks on your device now

  1. The Miracle Equation: You Are Only Two Decisions Away From Everything You Want by Hal Elrod
  2. The Art of War: Complete Texts and Commentaries by Sun Tzu, Thomas Cleary
  3. Secrets of Self-Mastery by Mitch Horowitz
  4. Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings (Mastery Series Book 1) by Thibaut Meurisse, Kerry J Donovan
  5. Coleman’s Laws: Twelve essential medical secrets which could save your life by Dr Vernon Coleman
  6. The Elements of Moral Philosophy by James Rachels
  7. Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages by Gary Chapman
  8. Renovating Your Marriage Room by Room by Dr. Johnny C. Parker, Jr
  9. The Billionaire Who Wasn’t: How Chuck Feeney Secretly Made and Gave Away a Fortune by Conor O’Clery
  10. Here’s The Deal: Everything You Wish a Lawyer Would Tell You About Buying a Small Business by Joel Ankney
  11. Buy Then Build: How Acquisition Entrepreneurs Outsmart the Startup Game by Walker Deibel
  12. The Art & Science of Respect: A Memoir by James Prince by James Prince, Jasmine Waters
  13. #BreakIntoVC: How to Break Into Venture Capital And Think Like an Investor Whether You’re a Student, Entrepreneur or Working Professional (Venture Capital Guidebook Book 1) by Bradley Miles, Carol Tietsworth
  14. Leading with Cultural Intelligence: The Real Secret to Success by David A. Livermore
  15. 101 So Bad, They’re Good Dad Jokes by Elias Hill, Katherine Hogan
  16. The Sleep Solution: why your sleep is broken and how to fix it by W. Chris Winter
  17. Angel: How to Invest in Technology Startups—Timeless Advice from an Angel Investor Who Turned $100,000 into $100,000,000 by Jason Calacanis
  18. Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o, Vashti Harrison
  19. Ruthless: A Memoir by Jerry Heller, Gil Reavill
  20. The Upside of Stress: Why stress is good for you (and how to get good at it) by Kelly McGonigal
  21. How to Be a Great Boss by Gino Wickman, René Boer
  22. Who Moved My Cheese: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life by Spencer Johnson
  23. Small Giants: Companies That Choose to Be Great Instead of Big, 10th-Anniversary Edition by Bo Burlingham
  24. The 22 Immutable Laws of Marketing: Exposed and Explained by the World’s Two by Al Ries, Jack Trout
  25. My Favourite Dictators: The Strange Lives of Tyrants by Chris Mikul, Glenn Smith
  26. Influence – Science and Practice – The Comic by Robert B. Cialdini, Nathan Lueth
  27. What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins
  28. The Dynamics of Conflict: A Guide to Engagement and Intervention by Bernard S. Mayer
  29. The Time Trap: The Classic Book on Time Management by Pat Nickerson, Alec Mackenzie
  30. Choose Yourself! by James Altucher, Dick Costolo
  31. Get a F*cking Grip: How to Get Your Life Back on Track by Matthew Kimberley
  32. You Can’t Teach a Kid to Ride a Bike at a Seminar, 2nd Edition: Sandler Training’s 7-Step System for Successful Selling by David H. Sandler
  33. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
  34. How to Win at the Sport of Business: If I Can Do It, You Can Do It by Mark Cuban
  35. The Greenhouse Approach: Cultivating Intrapreneurship in Companies and Organizations by Chitra Anand
  36. DotCom Secrets: The Underground Playbook for Growing Your Company Online by Russell Brunson, Dan Kennedy

Domain registrars – get your own domain name

  1. Namesilo – get a .com for $8.99. Use the coupon code BP to get $1 off.
  2. Namecheap
  3. KenyaWebExperts – get .com & .co.ke domains for less than KSh 1000/yr.

Web hosting companies – get hosting for your blog or website

  1. KenyaWebExperts – starting at KSh 2,100 / year.
  2. HostGator – starting at $3.95/mo if paid annually.
  3. Bluehost
  4. Namecheap
  5. Namesilo
  6. WPEngine
  7. Garanntor Kenya

Plugins for your WordPress site

  1. MonsterInsights
  2. OptinMonster
  3. WPForms

Hire freelancers to help with tasks you’d rather outsource

Check Niabusiness Classifieds. Place an ad for free. See categories you can outsource tasks in.

For more recommendations, check Niabusiness Tools & Resources page.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *