Have you ever heard stories of parents fighting each other to the point where they pull their children in their own little war zone? I guess so. But why would they pull in the children, isn’t that a bad thing to do?
Most of the time, you find a well-meaning parent pulling a child to their side because they want them to open their eyes wide before making a decision that may turn the rest of their lives into one big mess.
It is one way some parents use to ensure that their children won’t sustain many injuries however long they (mom and dad) fight each other. It is a hit or miss… And for that reason, one must be really careful and know what they are getting their children and spouse into.
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Table of Contents
- 1 Why?
- 2 Why fight for more control?
- 3 Examples of how parents do this to each other – fighting each other over their children
- 3.1 1. To show your spouse that you are a better parent compared to them – and that it will take more time for them to reach your level
- 3.2 2. Because you are the head of your house and things must be done your way
- 3.3 3. The in your face, I win this time pal type
- 3.4 4. Because the children are young and don’t know much
- 3.5 5. Because you think your spouse won’t give your children a proper direction
- 3.6 6. To keep your image clean in the eyes of your friends, neighbours & relatives
- 4 What can be done then?
Because a lot of emotion is involved in most of these struggles. There is always a big list that is filled with words like liar, selfish, irresponsible, disappointment and bitterness – Words that can turn any struggle into a really painful ordeal; Words that can have a profound effect on the lives of the children for a very long time.
During struggles like these, it doesn’t hurt to take one step back and look at things from the point of view of your children too. More often, a parent may be keen to tell them why their daddy or mommy is bad or why dad and mom are fighting but not really keen on hearing what they think about the whole thing.
I am not saying that kids should have a really big say on how you and your spouse should relate to each other. After all they belong to the family, but you belong to the family and the union that binds you to your spouse.
And for whatever it is that leads you into any kind of fight that threatens the stability of your family and the relationship with your spouse, the kids can surely help – they may act like young advisers who can share new ideas with you to help you, even as you are busy fighting, to keep one eye cast in the far future and one eye cast in the present times – sniffing for things to help you make the next day and the day after it better.
Why fight for more control?
I have already touched a little bit on some legitimate reasons for doing this. But it should be realized that these aren’t the only reasons why some parents fight for control over their children’s lives.
There are some reasons that can make you cringe and wonder why in the world would someone do something like that. That is because these things may seem harmless in the present but may be the same things that play a huge role in destabilizing a family (further) and filling even more of its members with feelings of betrayal and hopelessness.
Examples of how parents do this to each other – fighting each other over their children
1. To show your spouse that you are a better parent compared to them – and that it will take more time for them to reach your level
Is it worth it, always reminding your spouse that you are better than them? Scratch them with the, ‘I am better than you.’ line or attitude and they’ll start treating you differently, often in ways that you won’t approve of.
Help them become better at parenting instead of always reminding them of their poor grades. And one more thing, what happens when you get all the control you want and realize later on that you are not good as you once thought, or that your kid wants the other person, you thought was less capable?
2. Because you are the head of your house and things must be done your way
Is being the head of the family an excuse for making things hard for everybody else?
Is it an excuse for running other people’s lives instead of showing them how to do it on their own?
Just because you are the head doesn’t mean that you should stop other people from experiencing all the good things life has to offer.
If you are sure your spouse can offer your children more (of the good things) than you can, give them the opportunity to do so. And you can do it together.
Say sorry if you wronged them (never let pride perch on your shoulders for too long) and move to the next level – that of being a couple that doesn’t worry about who has more control over each child but works like a team to make their family stronger every single day.
3. The in your face, I win this time pal type
Is it all about winning and loosing? Does your win come with a big label screaming: You’ve lost big, only you can’t realize it now? Win or loose, something must be wrong somewhere. Find it and work together to fix it (seek help, pray). It is better than winning alone.
Find a way to work together, and at the end of the day you’ll get: two trophies instead of one, someone to hug, kiss, hold hands with and you don’t end up wishing for things when it is time to smile and thank God.
4. Because the children are young and don’t know much
Children certainly know a lot. You never let someone you love set their feet on hot coals because you think they don’t appreciate the fact that hot coals burns – and that causes pain.
5. Because you think your spouse won’t give your children a proper direction
If you are really certain about this, tread carefully to your final decision. Weigh all the options, and for the few good ones left for the final selection, pray that you pick the right one.
6. To keep your image clean in the eyes of your friends, neighbours & relatives
Forget about your friends, neighbours and relatives when it comes to raising your children. If you are doing something right and they aren’t happy with it, or for some reason want to impose their will on you, tell them no. Give them wings if they don’t have any and tell them to fly home.
Just remember to keep your ears open for good advice and in your fight to have more control over your children, to come back to the drawing board and take notice of what really matters.
What can be done then?
I’d like to say that you can still work out something and keep the train on its tracks. Each family is different, as is each struggle. Therefore, stick to what makes today, tomorrow and the day after it better. Stick to what will make you and your family happy now and even happier in the future.
You know these things. You can feel them in your heart. But sometimes there are feelings that just try to cast a shadow over them. Weed them out.
Have a lot of discussions during the times when your family is in its little war zone because this isn’t the time to brood and hope the other party will immediately read your mind and take notice of all the good intentions you have for them and the family just by casting a glance their way.
You don’t want casualties under your roof. You don’t want to blame someone later on for the direction your life took. You don’t want to be blamed either, and you most certainly don’t want a repeat of something bad that happened to you as a result of your parents own fights to have more control over you.
Don’t fight for more control. Be the fighter who gets out there to make things better and worries less about control. I know this isn’t the easiest of options but is there something better?